At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me when my alarm goes off
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.