Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.