Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Somebody call the cops.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Ghost costume 😂
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Saturday
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.