Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
The options really are this bad
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
This is a true ally.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
This is me 🤣🤣
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak