Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
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“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”