Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
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the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.