4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*sewing*
A thread
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley