[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I am HOWLING at this
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone