He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
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Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Meat Cute
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.