Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Pretty much. 🤣
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull