Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”