Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
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Thanks to a fan for this one.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe