Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
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“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
this is how life feels
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.