Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?