The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
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Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
<- sleeps well with others
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
This is always good for a laugh.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face