Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Put this video in the Louvre
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”