Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.