*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E