If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
inventing words: clothing
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good