I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Who knew!
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
opening twitter today