[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
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When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.