Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
You Might Also Like
shampoo implies shampee
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
grotesque if literal: baby food
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people