God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
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How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
they really do be looking like this
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.