People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Otters see a butterfly.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.