People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Mad Max: Furry Road
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?