If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.