My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
nyc:
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
*weighs self after shaving
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.