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I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: