if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
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I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I don’t know what to do
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
🤣🤣🤣
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*