Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me irl
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Hot Hot Hot
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I feel seen
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.