If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
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People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
When they try to steal your moment.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.