*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
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“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.