My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
We avoided this particular disaster
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
inventing words: clothing
Breaking news:
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.