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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️