*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
when mom throws a party…
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.