Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You Might Also Like
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
#math