now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT