I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Cause of death: Zumba
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
john wicks are toilet candles
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good