friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Liquor Store Parking
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.