“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.