Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
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Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick