Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
This makes total sense…
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.