*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
August 8
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Received some very disappointing news today
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”