[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.