Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
R.I.P.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.