YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.