Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Mission: Impossible
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*