Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
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I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package