This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
U talkin 2 me?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.