Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”